Since the sad news of the death of gospel singer, Osinachi broke out, social media has been abuzz with stories of women speaking out on the violent treatment they had endured in their marriages and relationships.
It seemed the fatal silence of Osinachi had filled these women with the courage to share their stories not only to expose their aggressors but also to choose themselves first in the struggle for survival.
For a long time, culture has taught us to be silent. To stay hush for fears of being scarred and disappointed by the people we confide in.
I recall a neighbour whose husband had woken up one morning and disappeared in the face of financial lack and three growing children. He cut off all communication ties with his family and ran off with a younger lover. It seemed surprising that her Christian husband would do such a thing, so she opened up to her pastors about her predicament, hoping for a prayer to fix things or a reach out from the church to her husband, calling him to order. But the reverse was the case.
The pastors had unbelievably pushed the blame on her. They told her no one’s husband wakes up and turns his back on his family suddenly. That some of her actions must have warranted his leaving. In his words: “You know you, women, you just open your mouth and say anything. You don’t know how to talk”.
Not only did this discombobulate my dear neighbour, but she also became the topic of discussion among church members. Tongues wagging about her failed marriage. More painful were the women who contributed to these gossips. I mean they should have known better, right?
Through years of pain and hard work, I watched my neighbour raise three kids through secondary school. Her children had also taken on supplementary jobs to put things together. It truly wasn’t a walk in the park. Years down the line, her 10-years walk away hubby shows up at the gate, blaming the devil for his actions.
After several pleas to take him back, his elder sister who was part of the begging party blurted:
“Are you not happy, he’s back. I mean you should be thanking God that you now have a husband”.
Excuse me, how does the social credibility of having a husband put food on my table, heal my self-esteem or explain to my kids where their father disappeared to in ten whole years? She asked for time to think things over but in the meantime, she wasn’t accomodating a burden for societal comfort.
Another story that caught our attention was that of a young woman who called off her wedding which was due in a week on the grounds of domestic abuse. According to her, taking this bold step was better than grieving and smiling in an abusive marriage.
While we hate sad ever-afters, I love the recent courageous displays from our women. I love that society is taking a bold stance against such acts of violence. I love that men are being the accountability partners, calling their male counterparts to order.
In all of these, women should rally these conversations and most importantly put themselves first. Putting yourself first is a form of self-love which enables you to have healthy relationships with your career, personal and financial life. You definitely cannot give what you don’t have.
As you read this, most women are stuck in violent relationships because they lack the willpower or financial wherewithal to branch out. It’s estimated that approximately one in every three Nigerian women suffers domestic or intimate partner violence. Others are down the career ladder because they have sacrificed unpaid time for professional training opportunities which of course is no fault of theirs.
As we expand the self-love conversation, here are a few things you can do today:
Pay attention to number one: You’re probably aware that if your emotional self is stressed and rundown, it’s only a matter of time before it shows up in other areas of your life. As women, it’s incredibly easy to forget ourselves in a bid to please others but that’s a bad starting point to create a valuable life. Forgive yourself when you feel otherwise. Appreciate yourself more. How you act around you determines how others will too.
Practice mindfulness: This is being aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. As it goes, we are the products of the conversations in our heads. Catch your mind drifting into distracting and negative thoughts? Bring the focus back to the sensation of your breath. Being introspective arms you with the courage to choose the right thing. Journaling and meditating are mindfulness exercises that can also still your mind in event of these episodes.
Learn to say No: The word “No” is one of the most important words in your personal arsenal in protecting your time and energy. Not all relationships, opportunities, requests or attitudes are meant to stay. If it has the potential to weigh you out down the line, don’t be afraid to say no.
Get your financial house in order: Often a huge reason why women feel stuck in harmful relationships is that they lack the financial support to leave, forcing them to stomach anything hook, line and sinker. Money is power. Money stops nonsense.
Personally, being financially equipped changed my mindset and opened the door to opportunities in my life. I was able to say no to people who were out to emotionally manipulate me.
I know it will be unfair to say get your money together when the economy isn’t helping either. However, if you’ll be in a better place financially, you have to be equipped with the skills and financial practices that will enable you to grow your money.
What extra job can you take? Can you go back to school and learn a sought-after skill? Can you connect with women empowerment centres to get the needed support? Do you save? Do you invest? Do you need to negotiate your salary or better still step out of that dead-end job? Whatever relates to you, you need an option that keeps your cash flow flowing. Get the drift? Money stops nonsense.
Speak out: Keeping it all in or covering up a hurting situation will do you no good. You’re doubly hurting yourself and everyone around you. Perhaps, many women who died in the hands of their violent partners would have averted such situations if they reached out for the right support. Anyone who tells you to stay in a place that is against your emotional, professional and financial peace of mind shouldn’t be your confidante. Please reach out.
Pamper yourself: Take out time to treat yourself right. You don’t have to wait for anyone to do this for you. An afternoon spa, a night out with friends, NetFlix and some good food, a good book, a weekend relaxation away from the kids and work, spending time with your family might do this for you, working out. Whatever floats your boat, self-indulging in a me-time is a sure-fire way to boost your spirits.
Live intentionally: What inspires you? In five years’ time, what decisions can you make today that will position you in a positive place? Making intentional choices will bring you closer to your goals and ultimately the life you desire.
Self-love is more than changing your wardrobe, earning more money or outrightly pushing everyone away to prioritize you, rather it’s the constant practice of appreciating yourself through physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment. It’s setting clear boundaries, choosing healthy relationships, making intentional choices that will pay off in the long run and filtering out every negativity that drains your energy.
If there’s one thing, I want you to always know that you are valuable to me, to the HerVest community, to your family and friends, to your country, to your immediate circles- there’s no duplicate of your unique talents. You’re the original girl! So strut it. Slay it. Show yourself some good-self loving! It’s your right, you’re not being selfish.
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Dara from HerVest
